A few months after I became concerned that Mark and I were having trouble conceiving I started journaling in a word document about what I was feeling through the process. In my stir crazy boredom yesterday I stumbled upon the document and was fascinated by how much I forgot or erased from my mind when I got pregnant. As if to say I imediately erased a painful chapter of my life when I saw the positive pregnancy test.
Baby on the Brain
I’ve wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I can recall at 15 my parents being fed up with my expensive tastes and telling me I needed to make my own money to understand how much things cost. I think it was my dad who told me to do something that I liked and somehow I ended up taking CPR classes and starting my own babysitting business. My dad helped me make the flyers on Microsoft word; we were able to insert a picture of a little blonde haired toddler in a pink jumpsuit that was pushing a doll carriage. It was quite a project because I wanted moms to be able to tear off my name and phone number from the bottom of the flyer. I chose to put my flyer up outside the kindergarten room at Mariemont because it was in the circle that most parents picked their kids up at. I think this was the first time I really proud of myself, when I started to step away from my parents and start doing things for myself. I recall wanting to take the CPR classes because I thought parents would go for this and I would stand out above the other girls advertising babysitting. I remember my dad helping me with the wording of the flyer and it was his idea to put on the picture. I recall taking a stapler and walking over to the school by myself to post my flyers. It was my project, my baby; I remember going over almost nightly to check if any of the numbers had been torn off. And a few here and a few there and then before I knew it the calls starting coming in. The first call was Karen Vick with her 6 year old and 4 year old. And immediately following the Randolph’s and the Cloninger’s who both had kindergartener’s and 10 month old girls (as well as one other child each).
And before long business spread by word of mouth and I had too much to handle and I took down the flyers because I couldn’t take any more families.
I met baby Logan when he was 6 months old and afraid of the floor. When put on the floor he felt trapped and would cry because he was unable to roll over. When you put most kids of that age on their bellies they would lift themselves with their arms and knees, but he just laid there and cried. When he was just a little tyke I started reading him ‘Goodnight Moon’ after his nightly bath. I remember the first couple of times I gave him a bath he was very unhappy with me especially when it came time to rinse his hair. At first when we’d read ‘Goodnight Moon’ I could not finish or sometime start a page before he was ready to turn to the next one. But I’d always go back to the previous pages and read the story through, and on every page I’d point out the porridge, stuffed bear, lamp, chair, baby etc. At first it meant nothing to him but then almost overnight he was involved in the reading. I or he would point and he would tell me in baby tongue what he saw. And then very quickly thereafter instead of pointing things out on the pages and telling him what I saw I’d point and he would tell me what he saw, and then in time he would point and say what he saw. It wasn’t about the words on the page so much as the objects in the pictures. It was the most amazing experience! Even though I only spent a night a week with him reading the story, and even if his parents read it with him too he was learning, his brain was developing, he was changing. And by reading to him I felt like I had an active role in that change. I absolutely loved the end of the day routine. We’d eat dinner, play for a little bit, maybe watch a short video, have dessert, brush our teeth, read stories and go to bed. I would like to follow a very similar schedule with my children. And make it very official, every night at this time we…take our bath, brush our teeth, climb in bed and if we take too long brushing our teeth then we cut into story time. If they ‘lolly-gag” then they miss out on a reward. I want to keep to a strict routine so my children know what to expect. And also so there can be no ifs ands or buts about it, that’s our schedule and we’re sticking to it.
*Prior to today I don’t think I could have given a satisfactory answer as to why I wanted a baby. Other than to say I crave it, I have an unrequited urge, I want it etc. But today it occurred to me that I want to be a mom so I can be someone’s hero. When I babysat I was a temporary friend or chaperone and I could never come close to comparison of their moms. As a babysitter you often hear kids tell you “that’s not how my mom does it” It’s as if to say for those first ten years you can do nothing wrong, you are quintessentially God! Their first word is usually mama (or dadda). When children cry, they call out for mommy. When they draw pictures they make them for mommy. When they grow up, boys often want to marry someone like their mom.
*9/14/08-It has been thirty-three days since my last period. I have found thirty-three days to be the average length of time between my periods for the last six months. For the last few days I’ve been nervous about this date. Am I going to have a period? I really don’t want one, am I crampy? Because that will most surely signal that the “P” word is coming. I could have taken a pregnancy test last Thursday, and for weeks I was working for that day…if I can make it to that day...I’ll test and then I’ll know one way or the other. Then I got to that day and was too afraid. I’ve been so up and down. I was really down during my last period and then I got up because it was time to make a baby, and then I was down because I did not think it worked. But I’ve been up and to take a pregnancy test may send me back on a downward spiral and I don’t want to go back there again. But there’s such frustration in the un-knowing. I know so badly what I want that test to say, but what if it doesn’t? Well to be honest life goes on, as Marks says we get to try again (insert raised eyebrows and a major sexual innuendo) and even though I don’t want to try again, we will. I’ll try something different again, work on my stress-wedding thank you cards, reading for fun, cooking for Mark, read/learn about God and maybe I’ll pray to him. The thought of maybe re-convening my conversations with God have been stronger and stronger as I’ve tried to conceive. I keep thinking that God has been so good to me, getting me the great job, taking care of me; every time I speed he magically places a slow driver ahead of me that forces me to slow down just as a cruiser is approaching. When I wanted a boyfriend so badly that I could barely breathe he gave me a husband and I truly think that I’ve been too greedy! That he’s given me so many great gifts and it’s time I pay him for them. That I need to do a little work for God before he decides it’s time for me to have a child. I am like a small child that really, really wants a kitten and shortly after getting a kitten all I want is a puppy. My parents tell me that they just got me a cat and I reply “But I really want a puppy”. “Why should we give you a puppy when you don’t take care of your cat?” Stomping my feet, “I want a puppy.”
Well I fully expect that I’ll get the puppy anyways, despite the fact that I do not deserve it. When Christmas morning comes there’s no puppy, only cat litter. After huffing and puffing for a while I come to the realization that if I want the puppy I should take care of my kitty-cat.
*You know to worry when your “trying to conceive newsletter” turns to “what to do when she’s pregnant and you’re not” or “10 tips to staying positive” and you subscribe to a fertility friend website and you buy fertility aids and you already have in an online shopping cart what you’ll buy for next month if things don’t work out this month.
*I just wished on an eyelash (and no I did not pluck it so I could wish on it) I want this so that If eating your toe-nails was good-luck then by golly I’d cut ‘em ‘til they bleed to increase my chances.
*"I've loved every minute of being a mother," says Zannyha. "You hear people complaining about their kids, about getting up in the night, about flu’s and vomiting. But if you have trouble having a baby, you cherish every minute."
*Conceiving a baby is the simplest, most natural thing in the world — until it isn't,
*December 30, 2008 0140
Dearest future child, I still have not been blessed with your presence. But there is a reason; somebody has a plan for us. As soon as I had made up my mind that it was time to start trying there have been distractions. In July the trip back East , In August back to school, in September my Grandma’s stroke, grandma’s sickness and in Late November my grandma’s death. One week after the funeral your daddy busted his knee. I have spent the last 5 months caring for others. I keep putting off when I am going to shift the focus back to me. Someone has decided that I am not to conceive until they are good and ready for me to. I know all the stress that I have been under has un-balanced my hormones. A part of me wonders if my hormones are un-balanced because of your dad, he makes me so angry with his sarcasm. Just a few minutes ago before he dozed off he was joking that he wants you to have 10 siblings, because he wants a soccer team. But we can’t even have you right now. How and where are we to find 10 more children?
On the finals day of my child development class I was thinking back to early in the class and how emotionally painful it was for me (I took the class because we were trying and I thought it would be so cool to learn about fetal development while I was carrying one) But instead of my being pregnant, a few other women in the class were, I was so jealous. There were days that I would start tearing up at my desk when watching a video with kids, or new moms talking about their babies and the miracle of life, I would get so emotional I would have to leave class. I even wrote a letter to the professor apologizing for my behaivor. Looking back over the course of those few months I couldn’t believe I had done it and almost forgot how bad it had been, the class turned out really well…And most importantly I did not give up!
I think maybe the reason for all the stress these past months has been to show me how strong I can be. That I can do it! Have done it! WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT!!! In the words of Dory in “Finding Nemo” (don’t worry I’ll show it to you someday soon) I need to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” and eventually my day will come.
*February 6, 2009
My dreams: I want a girl, 2 boys and then another girl. I want a big red hybrid suburban w/ black trim. 2 dogs, a cat or two, all kinds of colorful fish
*After so many months of trying I have truly given up! The phrases “If” or “when I get pregnant” have been erased from my vocabulary. I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to feel a baby move inside my body.
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June 9, 2009-Today you are roughly 14-16 weeks gestation. Late at night while your daddy sleeps I stay up against his wishes, and think of/plan for you. I cannot remember a time when I did not want to be a mom. It is so surreal that you are actually coming! When I started dating your dad we talked about kids, and he wanted a lot of them, and he did not want to wait forever to start a family, like some men-winner! When we got engaged I was not as excited about the wedding as I was about having kids. Well before we got married my priorities were out of order. I was buying baby clothes, baby toys, baby books instead of focusing on school and planning the wedding. As our wedding approached we starting talking about, or rather I pushed, pushed, pushed your dad to know when we could/would start trying to have you. Because we did not want you to conflict with your dad’s law school we arranged to start trying 2 months after we got married. Which was just way too long for me! So I saw to it that we did not wait that long. As luck would have it, it took eight months to conceive you (sorry for the disgusting details) but those eight months were the hardest of my life to date. Almost every night I would sit up and beat myself up about how I wasn’t pregnant, and how I must be doing something wrong. I started every day by charting my temperature, my mood, my cervical mucus etc. Determined that these scientific measures would get me pregnant. I read books, I ate special foods, I threw away many beauty products because of their harmful effects to fertility. I bought special vitamins, I journaled, I cried, and every two or so months I got a period. I had never felt pain like this, I even thought I was not getting pregnant because there had been too many pluses in my life, or there was a lesson I needed to learn first but was too stubborn to see the lesson. I was determined to be a mom, but I felt helpless to do so.
When I did get pregnant, I did not believe it. I was and still am so, so very afraid to lose you. Early on I started bleeding and was so afraid that I had lost you. I am anxious for every ultrasound because I get to see you move and see how much you’ve grown. But also at each ultrasound I get to know if your heart is still beating, and that you’re still alive in there.
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