Miss Pearl won't smile for me. She loves when her sister comes around and will smile at the presense of Afton. She is with me day and night but as soon as daddy comes home from school he gets a smile.
This mommy needs to feel appreciated! I need a small token of your appreciation that says mom I get that your life revolves around me and I like you enough to smile.
Gotta say you're making it hard for me to bond with you. I know you'll be smiling up a storm soon, but just one for now...please?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Week 6
Well I think we are making progress. I no longer dislike my two year old (phew). I was really feeling like an awful person for being so disconnected and angry with my Afton. She has been super obsessed with her daddy, which is great. But mommy has not been giving or receiving the love of late.
Fortunately I think/hope those days are behind us. Afton is amazing me again and my heart is all swoony at the hilarious things MY kid says. Like..."so guys, what's up?" "hippopatom" "Deli-shush"
Miss Pearl is six weeks old today and of late has been sleeping 4-6 hours at a time at night, which is pretty swell.
I think we're about to start smiling, I feel we're close. Sometimes when you look in her eyes I swear she is smiling, but the mouth does not join in.
She has pretty good control of her neck, which mommy is enjoying and she is starting to grab things.
Fortunately I think/hope those days are behind us. Afton is amazing me again and my heart is all swoony at the hilarious things MY kid says. Like..."so guys, what's up?" "hippopatom" "Deli-shush"
Miss Pearl is six weeks old today and of late has been sleeping 4-6 hours at a time at night, which is pretty swell.
I think we're about to start smiling, I feel we're close. Sometimes when you look in her eyes I swear she is smiling, but the mouth does not join in.
She has pretty good control of her neck, which mommy is enjoying and she is starting to grab things.
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Terrible Age of 2
I used to think I had the coolest kid around. When I got pregnant I knew there would be some adjustments but I thought Afton would be pretty cool with everything. I really used to enjoy going places with her, she was my side kick but ever since early January (after she turned two) she has been a nightmare that is getting worse, not better. I thought this would be a short lived phase or we just needed a behavior adjustment but this is turning out to be a lot more. The terrible twos are exactly what everyone says they are-TERRIBLE.
Another mom with a son five days older than Afton posted on Facebook last week that she jokingly wanted to give away her son. I sent the following message to her...
"I can totally relate to your posting about wanting to sell/give away Cohen. Afton since January has been getting worse and worse. Everytime we go somewhere (even with warnings and timers) she has huge meltdowns when it is time to go. I end up carrying her kicking and screaming out of EVERY store, library, museum etc that we go to. She does the same thing with just my husband or with both of us together.I know I love her, but I really do not enjoy spending time with her right now. I feel like I am ALWAYS mad at her. If she were a boyfriend I think I'd dump her. She spends a lot of her day in her room on timeout as she ignores me everytime I tell her to stop doing something. This is just such a miserable time!!! I am mourning the loss of control!!! Just before Pearl was born she ran away from me at Target...twice. The first time we were in one department and she took off squealing in delight. I was so slow and no amount of threats, yelling etc would stop her. Fortunately I found her but I was so stressed! Then a few days later also at Target she ran away from me again and literally ran out of Target and into the parking lot. Fortunately no cars were coming but I don't think I will ever recover from that level of fear!!!So in closing...you are not alone in your misery. And if you dislike his behavior all the more after the baby comes, also not alone. I think the sleep deprivation just intensifies everything. I'm grouchy, she's misbehaving and everything is changing. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that we used to have such a tight, buddy buddy bond and now I find myself barking at her and sending her to her room ALL THE TIME. I know I have to keep up the discipline for consistency but I don't like being the bad guy!!!"
When does it end? Does this last the whole year? I cannot tell you how guilty I feel for disliking my child so much! I truly do not want to spend time with her, and sometimes it's better for her that I am not around (i.e. lock her in her room because mommy needs to cool off so I don't hurt her)!
Another mom with a son five days older than Afton posted on Facebook last week that she jokingly wanted to give away her son. I sent the following message to her...
"I can totally relate to your posting about wanting to sell/give away Cohen. Afton since January has been getting worse and worse. Everytime we go somewhere (even with warnings and timers) she has huge meltdowns when it is time to go. I end up carrying her kicking and screaming out of EVERY store, library, museum etc that we go to. She does the same thing with just my husband or with both of us together.I know I love her, but I really do not enjoy spending time with her right now. I feel like I am ALWAYS mad at her. If she were a boyfriend I think I'd dump her. She spends a lot of her day in her room on timeout as she ignores me everytime I tell her to stop doing something. This is just such a miserable time!!! I am mourning the loss of control!!! Just before Pearl was born she ran away from me at Target...twice. The first time we were in one department and she took off squealing in delight. I was so slow and no amount of threats, yelling etc would stop her. Fortunately I found her but I was so stressed! Then a few days later also at Target she ran away from me again and literally ran out of Target and into the parking lot. Fortunately no cars were coming but I don't think I will ever recover from that level of fear!!!So in closing...you are not alone in your misery. And if you dislike his behavior all the more after the baby comes, also not alone. I think the sleep deprivation just intensifies everything. I'm grouchy, she's misbehaving and everything is changing. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that we used to have such a tight, buddy buddy bond and now I find myself barking at her and sending her to her room ALL THE TIME. I know I have to keep up the discipline for consistency but I don't like being the bad guy!!!"
When does it end? Does this last the whole year? I cannot tell you how guilty I feel for disliking my child so much! I truly do not want to spend time with her, and sometimes it's better for her that I am not around (i.e. lock her in her room because mommy needs to cool off so I don't hurt her)!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Pearl at 4 weeks
Pearl is...
*Rolling over? Mark put her down a few nights ago and when I went in later her face was against her bumper. I asked Mark about it and he claimed to have put her on her back. The next night I know I put her on her back but when I went in later she was on her belly!!!
*Bigger than Afton at this age- She is already moving out of 0-3 month clothing, and thus out of size one diapers too. I can't believe how fast she is changing! She looks so much bigger in her car seat, in the clothes she used to appear to swim in, etc. At two weeks she was 9lbs 7 oz. I could only imagine her being 11+ now. When she is without clothing her abdomen is ginormous and her arms and legs now have dimples/rolls of fat!
*Acne ridden-not going to lie I am embarassed to take her picture right now. On the sides of her head the acne is in colonies, and some of the acne has grown one on top of the others. In addition to her face it is on her neck, back, chest etc.
*She has the ability to projectile vomit/spit up. Yesterday when I got out of the shower there was a puddle of spit up on the floor but Pearl and her clothing were dry. But today I witnessed her in action. Poor Afton had just entered the bathroom where Pearl was to say good morning when Pearl erupted all over Afton's feet, once again Pearl's clothes remained dry...she can seriously
shoot it a good 18 inches.
*She is developing more and more neck and hand control each day, but she doesn't have nearly the strength that Afton had at birth(not a bad thing, just an observation).
*She smiles loads everytime she is dozing off to sleep and while sleeping chuckles quite a bit.
*Her digestive system seems to be a bit immature or something. She spits up A LOT and struggles to have bowel movements. Sometimes she cries and fusses until she is able to poop, poor kid!
*I have started cloth diapering her, and thus far I am more impressed with how much more the cloth can hold versus the disposables (way less blowouts in the cloth).
*Afton is still overjoyed to see Pearl each morning. Afton still has not maliciously attempted to harm her sister as I had feared in pregnancy. Afton still loves to read to her daily and talks baby talk to her. It's really quite fun to hear Afton mimic what I say to Pearl..."It's okay baby" "Hi pretty girl" etc.
*Pearl still has the unexpected black hair from birth and we've determined that she has Mark's toes.
*Unlike Afton she will sleep on her back!!! But she won't keep her covers on.
*Rolling over? Mark put her down a few nights ago and when I went in later her face was against her bumper. I asked Mark about it and he claimed to have put her on her back. The next night I know I put her on her back but when I went in later she was on her belly!!!
*Bigger than Afton at this age- She is already moving out of 0-3 month clothing, and thus out of size one diapers too. I can't believe how fast she is changing! She looks so much bigger in her car seat, in the clothes she used to appear to swim in, etc. At two weeks she was 9lbs 7 oz. I could only imagine her being 11+ now. When she is without clothing her abdomen is ginormous and her arms and legs now have dimples/rolls of fat!
*Acne ridden-not going to lie I am embarassed to take her picture right now. On the sides of her head the acne is in colonies, and some of the acne has grown one on top of the others. In addition to her face it is on her neck, back, chest etc.
*She has the ability to projectile vomit/spit up. Yesterday when I got out of the shower there was a puddle of spit up on the floor but Pearl and her clothing were dry. But today I witnessed her in action. Poor Afton had just entered the bathroom where Pearl was to say good morning when Pearl erupted all over Afton's feet, once again Pearl's clothes remained dry...she can seriously
shoot it a good 18 inches.
*She is developing more and more neck and hand control each day, but she doesn't have nearly the strength that Afton had at birth(not a bad thing, just an observation).
*She smiles loads everytime she is dozing off to sleep and while sleeping chuckles quite a bit.
*Her digestive system seems to be a bit immature or something. She spits up A LOT and struggles to have bowel movements. Sometimes she cries and fusses until she is able to poop, poor kid!
*I have started cloth diapering her, and thus far I am more impressed with how much more the cloth can hold versus the disposables (way less blowouts in the cloth).
*Afton is still overjoyed to see Pearl each morning. Afton still has not maliciously attempted to harm her sister as I had feared in pregnancy. Afton still loves to read to her daily and talks baby talk to her. It's really quite fun to hear Afton mimic what I say to Pearl..."It's okay baby" "Hi pretty girl" etc.
*Pearl still has the unexpected black hair from birth and we've determined that she has Mark's toes.
*Unlike Afton she will sleep on her back!!! But she won't keep her covers on.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Pearl Cassidy Shaltes
So this birth experience was completely different than Afton's. I managed to weasle my way into getting induced five days early. I felt insanely guilty the day of induction out of fear that the baby was not ready. All guilt dissapeared when she was born and weighed.
I was scheduled to be induced at 10pm on Monday January 30 following Mark taking a final. Mark finished early and almost beat us home (as my parents took Afton and I out to eat). I called the hospital to see if I could come in early and they said they didn't have the staff for me to come in early and asked that I call back. When I called back an hour or so later they didn't have a bed for me and told me that they would call me when I could come in. So we watched lame television at Mark's parents house as we had put Afton to bed there, and fretted about how long it would be until we could come in. I couldn't sleep, my mind was racing. I was so afaid that they would try to reschedule us for another day. Fortunately I called again somewhere around 10:20pm and they said I could come in. We jumped in the car and headed to the hospital, but not without stopping to drop off library books at the Carmichael Library and then getting Mark some Adalberto's.
When we arrived at the hospital with a pregnant belly and a suitcase a security guard asked me if I wanted a wheelchair, I passed. They put us into a room and told us to get settled. They monitored the baby and I for what seemed like forever until they started the pitocin at 1:45am on January 31. The pitocin gave me Braxton Hicks contractions which were largely absent in this regnancy. Every half hour they would come in and increase the medication, but still I was pain free. As the hours went by I tried to sleep but I was there to have a baby and was a little anxious. I tried reading...not a good enough book so Mark and I settled on watching a movie. After our movie was over we just channel cruised and by then we were starting to get fatigued and we each drifted in and out of sleep, but woke every thirty minutes when the staff would come in to increase the meds.
At 6:45 the staff changed over and I was so excited to meet my day shift nurse as she was the same nurse that delivered Afton!!! My Ob's shift ended at 7 so before leaving she called to check on me. The nurse told her I was sleeping and she was shocked and asked the nurse to check my cervix. After 5 hours on pitocin I had gone from 2cm to 3cm...GO PITOCIN! The doctor that took over for my Ob at 7am came in at 7:20 and announced that he wanted to break my water. I was super excited and very willing for things to speed up! He checked me and felt I was 4cm. He broke my water and that was a hoot. I had an epidural on board when my water broke with Afton, so feeling that warm water spew out of me was a new sensation.
I would say it was about 20-30 minutes later that the painful contractions started and increased. By that time I was on 16 of pitocin and fortunately they left it there for the duration as my contractions had reached the goal of every 2-3 minutes. As the contractions came and went more fluid would leak out of me, until I asked the nurse I thought I had become incontinent, but she explained that it was amniotic fluid (phew). Once the contractions became painful I became very set on not changing up anything and doing the exact same thing through each contraction. The tv was on channel 3 and I kept the same slow breathing pattern going and would focus on one particular thing on the tv. Sometimes Mark would annoy me by asking a question as I was contracting, it annoyed me because it would distract me from my breathing.
Once my water was broken things progressed quickly and it wasn't long before I was at an 8 and my nurse told me that if I wanted an epidural I needed to get it now. Well I could stand the pain at that time so I opted not to do it. But I did request hourly doses of iv fentanyl for the last three hours. It did not really take away any pain but it gave me a sense of relaxation that allowed me to keep composure. Pearl was born at 11:08am and shortly before that I thought I was feeling pressure and I was starting to get anxious as the pain got worse and worse. Having my cervix checked was becoming excruciating. My nurse checked me one last time and Iwas at a 9, sensing my anxiety she kept her hand in through the next contraction hoping to get me to 10cm. She then let me do a practice push, and it became apparent that we were ready to deliver. I think I had manged to push some of Pearl's head out on my first/practice push so she called to her co-workers to get the doctor and come help. My nurse proceeded to hold Pearl's head as we waited for the room to crowd with staff. I wanted to push SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO badly and could feel/sense Pearl's head at the opening. As soon as the doctor arrived I watched intently as the staff helped him gown up and as soon as he sat down and started approaching me I let her rip (literally) On the first contraction I think I delivered the whole of her head, the doctored suctioned her and then on the next contraction I delivered the shoulders and all the rest of Pearl! AMAZING!!!
When I dreamed and decided to deliver without an epidural I never thought past the delivery of Pearl's body. I had prepared myself for her body being the grand finale of pain, but in reality I still had the placenta to deliver and then stitching up to endure. OUCHIE!
I was scheduled to be induced at 10pm on Monday January 30 following Mark taking a final. Mark finished early and almost beat us home (as my parents took Afton and I out to eat). I called the hospital to see if I could come in early and they said they didn't have the staff for me to come in early and asked that I call back. When I called back an hour or so later they didn't have a bed for me and told me that they would call me when I could come in. So we watched lame television at Mark's parents house as we had put Afton to bed there, and fretted about how long it would be until we could come in. I couldn't sleep, my mind was racing. I was so afaid that they would try to reschedule us for another day. Fortunately I called again somewhere around 10:20pm and they said I could come in. We jumped in the car and headed to the hospital, but not without stopping to drop off library books at the Carmichael Library and then getting Mark some Adalberto's.
When we arrived at the hospital with a pregnant belly and a suitcase a security guard asked me if I wanted a wheelchair, I passed. They put us into a room and told us to get settled. They monitored the baby and I for what seemed like forever until they started the pitocin at 1:45am on January 31. The pitocin gave me Braxton Hicks contractions which were largely absent in this regnancy. Every half hour they would come in and increase the medication, but still I was pain free. As the hours went by I tried to sleep but I was there to have a baby and was a little anxious. I tried reading...not a good enough book so Mark and I settled on watching a movie. After our movie was over we just channel cruised and by then we were starting to get fatigued and we each drifted in and out of sleep, but woke every thirty minutes when the staff would come in to increase the meds.
At 6:45 the staff changed over and I was so excited to meet my day shift nurse as she was the same nurse that delivered Afton!!! My Ob's shift ended at 7 so before leaving she called to check on me. The nurse told her I was sleeping and she was shocked and asked the nurse to check my cervix. After 5 hours on pitocin I had gone from 2cm to 3cm...GO PITOCIN! The doctor that took over for my Ob at 7am came in at 7:20 and announced that he wanted to break my water. I was super excited and very willing for things to speed up! He checked me and felt I was 4cm. He broke my water and that was a hoot. I had an epidural on board when my water broke with Afton, so feeling that warm water spew out of me was a new sensation.
I would say it was about 20-30 minutes later that the painful contractions started and increased. By that time I was on 16 of pitocin and fortunately they left it there for the duration as my contractions had reached the goal of every 2-3 minutes. As the contractions came and went more fluid would leak out of me, until I asked the nurse I thought I had become incontinent, but she explained that it was amniotic fluid (phew). Once the contractions became painful I became very set on not changing up anything and doing the exact same thing through each contraction. The tv was on channel 3 and I kept the same slow breathing pattern going and would focus on one particular thing on the tv. Sometimes Mark would annoy me by asking a question as I was contracting, it annoyed me because it would distract me from my breathing.
Once my water was broken things progressed quickly and it wasn't long before I was at an 8 and my nurse told me that if I wanted an epidural I needed to get it now. Well I could stand the pain at that time so I opted not to do it. But I did request hourly doses of iv fentanyl for the last three hours. It did not really take away any pain but it gave me a sense of relaxation that allowed me to keep composure. Pearl was born at 11:08am and shortly before that I thought I was feeling pressure and I was starting to get anxious as the pain got worse and worse. Having my cervix checked was becoming excruciating. My nurse checked me one last time and Iwas at a 9, sensing my anxiety she kept her hand in through the next contraction hoping to get me to 10cm. She then let me do a practice push, and it became apparent that we were ready to deliver. I think I had manged to push some of Pearl's head out on my first/practice push so she called to her co-workers to get the doctor and come help. My nurse proceeded to hold Pearl's head as we waited for the room to crowd with staff. I wanted to push SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO badly and could feel/sense Pearl's head at the opening. As soon as the doctor arrived I watched intently as the staff helped him gown up and as soon as he sat down and started approaching me I let her rip (literally) On the first contraction I think I delivered the whole of her head, the doctored suctioned her and then on the next contraction I delivered the shoulders and all the rest of Pearl! AMAZING!!!
When I dreamed and decided to deliver without an epidural I never thought past the delivery of Pearl's body. I had prepared myself for her body being the grand finale of pain, but in reality I still had the placenta to deliver and then stitching up to endure. OUCHIE!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Afton-isms at 25 months
"Not today mommy, not today"- in reference to so many questions I ask her.
When looking at the Ensign, she says "Jesus Christ...Amen" as she points to each page/picture of Jesus. At first I thought she was saying "Jesus Cries".
She sincerely says "I love you toos mommy" or daddy.
When looking at the Ensign, she says "Jesus Christ...Amen" as she points to each page/picture of Jesus. At first I thought she was saying "Jesus Cries".
She sincerely says "I love you toos mommy" or daddy.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Permission to Quit
I have received permission to quit my job from the spouse and the part of me that resents that my mom always worked and put money before family says jump at this. But there are so many parts of me that are making this a difficult decision. I never thought this would be so hard to do. I had previously blamed the husband for this being an impossibility and never thought about the act of becoming unemployed. I trust that my husband can provide for us and I know I can make the cut backs to keep the books in balance but I have never ever ever had to worry about making it work.
When I was single I always had savings to fall back on and never worried, but now even though the savings is still there I have little people that count on us. What if I quit now and Mark does not pass the bar or I quit and he loses his state job, what if instead of $450 a month for health insurance we start having to pay $900 or more. There are so many "what if's" but I guess it just comes down to having FAITH!
Right now my thoughts are to work until the end of the summer, like the Friday before the CSUS Fall Semester starts. Because I am not in school and it's only three mornings a week that I will be away from the kids, and I know my income helps propel our family. I just hope that I can bite the bullet and do it!
When I was single I always had savings to fall back on and never worried, but now even though the savings is still there I have little people that count on us. What if I quit now and Mark does not pass the bar or I quit and he loses his state job, what if instead of $450 a month for health insurance we start having to pay $900 or more. There are so many "what if's" but I guess it just comes down to having FAITH!
Right now my thoughts are to work until the end of the summer, like the Friday before the CSUS Fall Semester starts. Because I am not in school and it's only three mornings a week that I will be away from the kids, and I know my income helps propel our family. I just hope that I can bite the bullet and do it!
The Differences between a money minded man and an obsessed with being there for her kids MOTHER
So law school is paid off (phew) which leaves us with some extra money each month.
Meg thinks- of this as cushion for me to contemplate staying home with the kids.
Mark thinks- if we take said money and put it towards the mortgage each month, and wife keeps working we can pay off the mortgage in four years.
BAHHHHHHH!
Why yes, paying off the mortgage of the house we do not intend to stay in forever would be dandy. Everyone would love to be debt free. But my babies are only babies for a split second!
Meg thinks- of this as cushion for me to contemplate staying home with the kids.
Mark thinks- if we take said money and put it towards the mortgage each month, and wife keeps working we can pay off the mortgage in four years.
BAHHHHHHH!
Why yes, paying off the mortgage of the house we do not intend to stay in forever would be dandy. Everyone would love to be debt free. But my babies are only babies for a split second!
Baby, Baby, Baby
So I am 38 weeks and 5 days, 2cm dilated, 80-90% effaced. The conclusion of this weeks appointment was that my cervix is ripe and ready but my uterus is not ready. Whether it's the baby or my brain that triggers the uterus to get ready for labor the message has not been sent and/or received. (When the doctor was saying that the medical community is not sure if it's the baby or my brain that signals the start of labor my immediate thought was..."It's not my brain because I have been sending that message over the load speaker for months).
Last week at 37 weeks we were identical to today in measurements and the week before I was almost 1 cm, 80% effaced. At week 36 they first checked me and I lost my mucus plug in one big chunk that night and then at 37 weeks they stripped what was left of my membranes. Clearly my cervix has been holding up it's end of the bargain but my uterus on the other and is not pleasing me right now. At almost 39 weeks it is far behind where we were with Afton. With Afton at this point I was stop, start, stop, start but it occured to me the other day that my uterus really isn't contracting much. My Ob says that is normal and happens but I am totally bummed. Thankfully my OB was kind enough to agree to "socially" induce me as she called it. I guess she is inducing me to get rid of me, the pest, works for me! She said she could do it Monday, January 30 as she has call but Mark has a final so we are coming in after his final that night at 10pm.
I was cleaning out my filing cabinet yesterday and came upon all of Afton's hospital paperwork and came upon some great information:
On 12/13/2009 the night I went into labor with Afton I was 4cm, 80% effaced, -2 at 2300 when we arrived.
I ruptured at 0230
was 10 cm at 0250
and gave birth at 0351
1st stage of labor= 410 minutes
2nd = 61 min
rupture to delivery=81 minutes
3rd stage= 4 min
I am so excited to see how this birth compares since I am being induced.
Last week at 37 weeks we were identical to today in measurements and the week before I was almost 1 cm, 80% effaced. At week 36 they first checked me and I lost my mucus plug in one big chunk that night and then at 37 weeks they stripped what was left of my membranes. Clearly my cervix has been holding up it's end of the bargain but my uterus on the other and is not pleasing me right now. At almost 39 weeks it is far behind where we were with Afton. With Afton at this point I was stop, start, stop, start but it occured to me the other day that my uterus really isn't contracting much. My Ob says that is normal and happens but I am totally bummed. Thankfully my OB was kind enough to agree to "socially" induce me as she called it. I guess she is inducing me to get rid of me, the pest, works for me! She said she could do it Monday, January 30 as she has call but Mark has a final so we are coming in after his final that night at 10pm.
I was cleaning out my filing cabinet yesterday and came upon all of Afton's hospital paperwork and came upon some great information:
On 12/13/2009 the night I went into labor with Afton I was 4cm, 80% effaced, -2 at 2300 when we arrived.
I ruptured at 0230
was 10 cm at 0250
and gave birth at 0351
1st stage of labor= 410 minutes
2nd = 61 min
rupture to delivery=81 minutes
3rd stage= 4 min
I am so excited to see how this birth compares since I am being induced.
The Choice To Be Grateful
So our ward's relief society is making a really big push for us to journal daily about the things we are grateful. I really don't want to chase a notebook around, but the thought comes to me often so I am going to try to keep track of it here.
Today, right now I am grateful for my two year old. I woke her up 6:45 this morning because I had an Ob appointment. For this reason I expected her to need a nap sooner, but not at 10:30! I saw her head upstairs and thought she was going to play in her room but when I went to tell her it was time to get ready to go to story time at the library she was asleep. I am grateful for this departure from the norm as it has given me a chance to sit down and catch up on reading old ensigns and church newspapers that have piled up.
And wouldn't you know that when I opened the December 2011 Ensign the first article was about choosing to be grateful.
Today, right now I am grateful for my two year old. I woke her up 6:45 this morning because I had an Ob appointment. For this reason I expected her to need a nap sooner, but not at 10:30! I saw her head upstairs and thought she was going to play in her room but when I went to tell her it was time to get ready to go to story time at the library she was asleep. I am grateful for this departure from the norm as it has given me a chance to sit down and catch up on reading old ensigns and church newspapers that have piled up.
And wouldn't you know that when I opened the December 2011 Ensign the first article was about choosing to be grateful.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Going Crazy
So I think I did a pretty good job of keeping an even keel throughout this pregnancy. As in I haven't been too hormonal and witch like. But here I am a the end feeling like a mental patient. I want to curl up in my house and stay here until I have this baby. I don't want to make anymore small talk about her or how I am feeling...I just want to meet her!!!
Just like with Afton I now worry tremendously about her health and safety in there. And even though we are only 36 weeks along I want her out, even if it means she has to stay a little longer than me. I want to see her, hold her and know that she is alive!
I'm also crazy in that everything I read about my pregnancy related health conditions makes me jumpy. My blood count is lower than it was with Afton at this time and when researching ways to maximize my absorption of iron I came upon the word "stillbirth" in reference to when your blood count is too, too low. A normal minded person would say..."well I know I am not that low" but a crazy pregnant person like me would say to themselves "I need to find a way to go into labor before I have a stillborn." Also a very small handful of babies born to moms with diabetes and gestational diabetes are born with type one, insulin dependent diabetes. I am overly paranoid that if I cheat on my diet that she is going to be one of those babies. I realize it's crazy and that those babies are born to moms that have out of control diabetes but these thoughts fill my mind at most every meal.
You see, I want my sanity back!
Every morning now, one of my first thoughts is "dang it, I'm still pregnant" My daily mission now is to overdue it physically in hopes of inducing labor at night. Nights are when my body has the most practice contractions and I really wish to go into labor one of these nights VERY SOON!
I am exhausting myself daily, but I am also trying to take naps and I am generally in bed for 12 hours each night. I am not necessarily sleeping all of those twelve hours, but resting my muscles.
I finished a Glenn Beck book last night. I was hoping I would go into labor when I finished it but no such luck. I listened to a Glenn Beck conversion story cd the night I had Afton and I was hoping there was a Glenn Beck connection between my two pregnancies? Guess not.
Just like with Afton I now worry tremendously about her health and safety in there. And even though we are only 36 weeks along I want her out, even if it means she has to stay a little longer than me. I want to see her, hold her and know that she is alive!
I'm also crazy in that everything I read about my pregnancy related health conditions makes me jumpy. My blood count is lower than it was with Afton at this time and when researching ways to maximize my absorption of iron I came upon the word "stillbirth" in reference to when your blood count is too, too low. A normal minded person would say..."well I know I am not that low" but a crazy pregnant person like me would say to themselves "I need to find a way to go into labor before I have a stillborn." Also a very small handful of babies born to moms with diabetes and gestational diabetes are born with type one, insulin dependent diabetes. I am overly paranoid that if I cheat on my diet that she is going to be one of those babies. I realize it's crazy and that those babies are born to moms that have out of control diabetes but these thoughts fill my mind at most every meal.
You see, I want my sanity back!
Every morning now, one of my first thoughts is "dang it, I'm still pregnant" My daily mission now is to overdue it physically in hopes of inducing labor at night. Nights are when my body has the most practice contractions and I really wish to go into labor one of these nights VERY SOON!
I am exhausting myself daily, but I am also trying to take naps and I am generally in bed for 12 hours each night. I am not necessarily sleeping all of those twelve hours, but resting my muscles.
I finished a Glenn Beck book last night. I was hoping I would go into labor when I finished it but no such luck. I listened to a Glenn Beck conversion story cd the night I had Afton and I was hoping there was a Glenn Beck connection between my two pregnancies? Guess not.
The Highest Honor
"It is truly an honor to bring life into this world. No man will ever have the experience that I have had as a mother. There is no way to describe the feeling of life moving inside you.
I know and feel very deeply about not wanting to have a second child until Afton is two and a half. I want her to be more independent, potty trained, avidly talking, hobbies, friends, social engagements(daddy and me soccer) I want her to have all of the attention and to be mommy's side kick/one and only for a while. I love our bond and the time we get to spend together one-on-one. I want her to be able to nurse as long as she wants. With Mark in law school I spend more time alone with Afton than other moms, and if another child came along I would have a much greater burden because I would still be without a partner much of the time.
With all this being said I still think about getting pregnant and having another child EVERY DAY. First thought is always I want another one and the next thought and the next thought start coming and then I remind myself that I am far from ready and I always think about what is in Afton's best interest.
If I know that I need to hold off, then why does the thought come to mind every day?
Every time I find out another person is pregnant I imediately become jealous. Which is hysterical if you think about it because I could not wait to get Afton out! "
So I was going through my blog "drafts" and found this gem from Ocober 2010. Yup, these thoughts crossed my mind just weeks before we started trying. I feel really differently now that I am pregnant and I see Afton's maturity and readiness to be a big sister. When I first found out I was pregnant with Pearl I was so nervous about Afton not getting enough attention and Afton mistreating the baby when I was out of he room but for the most part I think that Afton is very ready to be a big sister.
I stress most now about Mark not being around and missing magical moments between the girls and Pearl's first everything. I also majorly stress about being a mommy and daddy to the girls all day and all night in Mark's physical and emotional absence. I hope that as my job responsibilities increase that I have the strength to make the harder choice in asking for help or packing girls up and going somewhere as opposed to taking it out on them with yelling and spanking (as was done to me) or putting them in front of the tube.
I know and feel very deeply about not wanting to have a second child until Afton is two and a half. I want her to be more independent, potty trained, avidly talking, hobbies, friends, social engagements(daddy and me soccer) I want her to have all of the attention and to be mommy's side kick/one and only for a while. I love our bond and the time we get to spend together one-on-one. I want her to be able to nurse as long as she wants. With Mark in law school I spend more time alone with Afton than other moms, and if another child came along I would have a much greater burden because I would still be without a partner much of the time.
With all this being said I still think about getting pregnant and having another child EVERY DAY. First thought is always I want another one and the next thought and the next thought start coming and then I remind myself that I am far from ready and I always think about what is in Afton's best interest.
If I know that I need to hold off, then why does the thought come to mind every day?
Every time I find out another person is pregnant I imediately become jealous. Which is hysterical if you think about it because I could not wait to get Afton out! "
So I was going through my blog "drafts" and found this gem from Ocober 2010. Yup, these thoughts crossed my mind just weeks before we started trying. I feel really differently now that I am pregnant and I see Afton's maturity and readiness to be a big sister. When I first found out I was pregnant with Pearl I was so nervous about Afton not getting enough attention and Afton mistreating the baby when I was out of he room but for the most part I think that Afton is very ready to be a big sister.
I stress most now about Mark not being around and missing magical moments between the girls and Pearl's first everything. I also majorly stress about being a mommy and daddy to the girls all day and all night in Mark's physical and emotional absence. I hope that as my job responsibilities increase that I have the strength to make the harder choice in asking for help or packing girls up and going somewhere as opposed to taking it out on them with yelling and spanking (as was done to me) or putting them in front of the tube.
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