Pep Talk

So yesterday I was really down, as evidenced by my post. I am very, very happy to be pregnant (despite the way I sound) and am ever so excited to be a mom. But as wonderful as pregnancy is, sometimes it just sucks and I feel like I need to whine/vent and get things off my chest. I have never been in this much pain in my life and with 11 weeks until my daughter is due, I don't think this pain will be going away soon. I am not afraid of child birth, in fact I look forward to it; as I know it means the end of my pregnancy, it lasts a day (not 11 weeks) and I get to finally meet and hold my baby for the first time. But this 11 weeks of pain, that I cannot take.

I went to the doctor today, getting there was awful. After class I started my hike across campus and was mauled by a sharp side ache. This was a new pain so I sat down on a bench for a few minutes in hopes it would subside. It did not so I stood up and thought if I could just get to my car, my little piece of privacy that all would be better. Well as I started driving the side ache subsided as it was replaced by my delicious nerve pinches. I went straight from school to the doctor's and ended up going the wrong way which really frustrated me. I had planned to take the freeway, but accidentally turned the wrong way (pregnancy amnesia) and ended up taking surface streets, causing a longer drive. When I got downtown to the doctor's office area there was no parking. I ended up parking at 10th and P and hoofing it to my appointment at 7th and Capitol. When I finally found a parking spot I broke down in tears, as I was totally frustrated by the physical agony I had been in driving there and now I have to walk through this agony all the way to the doctor's.

When I got a chance to talk to the doctor I don't think she understood how much pain I was in. Her recommendations were a maternity belt, professional massages and icy hot. I will buy a belt and icy hot, but the professional massages...I'm not sure the husband will sanction such expenditures. As luck would have it I felt better at the doctor's office but as soon as I found my car and started driving the twinges returned. Even though icy hot may work, I can't apply it myself. I have thought about scheduling it so Mark can apply it for me, but he leaves for work while I sleep. Yes I could get up earlier, shower and have him apply it before work, but then do I go back to bed? After my morning shower, my tummy requires nourishment, if I'm showering and eating breakfast, then it sounds like I am up for the day and lacking sleep!

Families-So my grandmother was very mean today. I help my grandparents out when I can, sometimes it is every week, sometimes every few weeks. But I was over there today and I was late because I had been at the doctor's, I was remarking about how the doctor had not fixed my problem and I was still in pain and how I didn't know what I was going to do. And to that her response was "then don't get pregnant." Her comment made me very angry and it stung. I know my parents don't accept me and my choices but to hear that from her, made me realize that she too does not accept me. I cannot take back my pregnancy, and I wouldn't if I could. If I had a magic eight ball that had for-told that my pregnancy would not be a cake walk...well I would have still gone through with it. Because my urge to be a mother is stronger than the pain, nausea and rude comments of my family! That was not Nana's only offense today. Later on I was reading to my grandpa and the topic of genealogy came up, and when you are talking about genealogy the Mormon church must be mentioned. I thought she knew that I am transitioning into the Mormon faith from the Catholic faith. Well she was not happy and made her disappointment known. It makes me nervous for the future, here in the next few months after the baby is born the Catholics baptize infants (the way we EVERYBODY in our family does it) but we have chosen to bring our children up in Mormon faith, and our baby will be blessed as a baby, not baptized. What kind of a stink is my family going to raise? It will be our wedding all over again, maybe worse! My grandfather told me a while back that he didn't care what church I went to, as long as I believed in something, but it would appear Nana does not feel the same. After everything that I have done for my grand parents, I may do some things they don't like, but I am here for them, when they need help I come through for them. I have been giving up my time and money for them week after week since I was 16 years old. The days I spend with them would be spent at the hospital padding my savings account if not with them. I have put their happiness above mine many, many times. I have abandoned my husband emotionally and physically. And when the baby arrives I should properly knock off and devote my time to her, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she and I will be there with them. Why? Because that is what you do for family!

Baby Shower-In happier news, my first baby shower is Saturday and I am ecstatic. The shower will be at work and they have a tendency to spoil me. I got my first gift from an employee the other night and upon arriving home immediately put each item where it belonged. Johnson's shampoo and body wash with "Baby's" other bath tub supplies. travel size baby powder with the diaper bag supplies, Baby lotion, desitin creamy and ear swabs with the changing table supplies. I am excited to sort through and do the same Saturday night after the shower!