"Not today mommy, not today"- in reference to so many questions I ask her.
When looking at the Ensign, she says "Jesus Christ...Amen" as she points to each page/picture of Jesus. At first I thought she was saying "Jesus Cries".
She sincerely says "I love you toos mommy" or daddy.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Permission to Quit
I have received permission to quit my job from the spouse and the part of me that resents that my mom always worked and put money before family says jump at this. But there are so many parts of me that are making this a difficult decision. I never thought this would be so hard to do. I had previously blamed the husband for this being an impossibility and never thought about the act of becoming unemployed. I trust that my husband can provide for us and I know I can make the cut backs to keep the books in balance but I have never ever ever had to worry about making it work.
When I was single I always had savings to fall back on and never worried, but now even though the savings is still there I have little people that count on us. What if I quit now and Mark does not pass the bar or I quit and he loses his state job, what if instead of $450 a month for health insurance we start having to pay $900 or more. There are so many "what if's" but I guess it just comes down to having FAITH!
Right now my thoughts are to work until the end of the summer, like the Friday before the CSUS Fall Semester starts. Because I am not in school and it's only three mornings a week that I will be away from the kids, and I know my income helps propel our family. I just hope that I can bite the bullet and do it!
When I was single I always had savings to fall back on and never worried, but now even though the savings is still there I have little people that count on us. What if I quit now and Mark does not pass the bar or I quit and he loses his state job, what if instead of $450 a month for health insurance we start having to pay $900 or more. There are so many "what if's" but I guess it just comes down to having FAITH!
Right now my thoughts are to work until the end of the summer, like the Friday before the CSUS Fall Semester starts. Because I am not in school and it's only three mornings a week that I will be away from the kids, and I know my income helps propel our family. I just hope that I can bite the bullet and do it!
The Differences between a money minded man and an obsessed with being there for her kids MOTHER
So law school is paid off (phew) which leaves us with some extra money each month.
Meg thinks- of this as cushion for me to contemplate staying home with the kids.
Mark thinks- if we take said money and put it towards the mortgage each month, and wife keeps working we can pay off the mortgage in four years.
BAHHHHHHH!
Why yes, paying off the mortgage of the house we do not intend to stay in forever would be dandy. Everyone would love to be debt free. But my babies are only babies for a split second!
Meg thinks- of this as cushion for me to contemplate staying home with the kids.
Mark thinks- if we take said money and put it towards the mortgage each month, and wife keeps working we can pay off the mortgage in four years.
BAHHHHHHH!
Why yes, paying off the mortgage of the house we do not intend to stay in forever would be dandy. Everyone would love to be debt free. But my babies are only babies for a split second!
Baby, Baby, Baby
So I am 38 weeks and 5 days, 2cm dilated, 80-90% effaced. The conclusion of this weeks appointment was that my cervix is ripe and ready but my uterus is not ready. Whether it's the baby or my brain that triggers the uterus to get ready for labor the message has not been sent and/or received. (When the doctor was saying that the medical community is not sure if it's the baby or my brain that signals the start of labor my immediate thought was..."It's not my brain because I have been sending that message over the load speaker for months).
Last week at 37 weeks we were identical to today in measurements and the week before I was almost 1 cm, 80% effaced. At week 36 they first checked me and I lost my mucus plug in one big chunk that night and then at 37 weeks they stripped what was left of my membranes. Clearly my cervix has been holding up it's end of the bargain but my uterus on the other and is not pleasing me right now. At almost 39 weeks it is far behind where we were with Afton. With Afton at this point I was stop, start, stop, start but it occured to me the other day that my uterus really isn't contracting much. My Ob says that is normal and happens but I am totally bummed. Thankfully my OB was kind enough to agree to "socially" induce me as she called it. I guess she is inducing me to get rid of me, the pest, works for me! She said she could do it Monday, January 30 as she has call but Mark has a final so we are coming in after his final that night at 10pm.
I was cleaning out my filing cabinet yesterday and came upon all of Afton's hospital paperwork and came upon some great information:
On 12/13/2009 the night I went into labor with Afton I was 4cm, 80% effaced, -2 at 2300 when we arrived.
I ruptured at 0230
was 10 cm at 0250
and gave birth at 0351
1st stage of labor= 410 minutes
2nd = 61 min
rupture to delivery=81 minutes
3rd stage= 4 min
I am so excited to see how this birth compares since I am being induced.
Last week at 37 weeks we were identical to today in measurements and the week before I was almost 1 cm, 80% effaced. At week 36 they first checked me and I lost my mucus plug in one big chunk that night and then at 37 weeks they stripped what was left of my membranes. Clearly my cervix has been holding up it's end of the bargain but my uterus on the other and is not pleasing me right now. At almost 39 weeks it is far behind where we were with Afton. With Afton at this point I was stop, start, stop, start but it occured to me the other day that my uterus really isn't contracting much. My Ob says that is normal and happens but I am totally bummed. Thankfully my OB was kind enough to agree to "socially" induce me as she called it. I guess she is inducing me to get rid of me, the pest, works for me! She said she could do it Monday, January 30 as she has call but Mark has a final so we are coming in after his final that night at 10pm.
I was cleaning out my filing cabinet yesterday and came upon all of Afton's hospital paperwork and came upon some great information:
On 12/13/2009 the night I went into labor with Afton I was 4cm, 80% effaced, -2 at 2300 when we arrived.
I ruptured at 0230
was 10 cm at 0250
and gave birth at 0351
1st stage of labor= 410 minutes
2nd = 61 min
rupture to delivery=81 minutes
3rd stage= 4 min
I am so excited to see how this birth compares since I am being induced.
The Choice To Be Grateful
So our ward's relief society is making a really big push for us to journal daily about the things we are grateful. I really don't want to chase a notebook around, but the thought comes to me often so I am going to try to keep track of it here.
Today, right now I am grateful for my two year old. I woke her up 6:45 this morning because I had an Ob appointment. For this reason I expected her to need a nap sooner, but not at 10:30! I saw her head upstairs and thought she was going to play in her room but when I went to tell her it was time to get ready to go to story time at the library she was asleep. I am grateful for this departure from the norm as it has given me a chance to sit down and catch up on reading old ensigns and church newspapers that have piled up.
And wouldn't you know that when I opened the December 2011 Ensign the first article was about choosing to be grateful.
Today, right now I am grateful for my two year old. I woke her up 6:45 this morning because I had an Ob appointment. For this reason I expected her to need a nap sooner, but not at 10:30! I saw her head upstairs and thought she was going to play in her room but when I went to tell her it was time to get ready to go to story time at the library she was asleep. I am grateful for this departure from the norm as it has given me a chance to sit down and catch up on reading old ensigns and church newspapers that have piled up.
And wouldn't you know that when I opened the December 2011 Ensign the first article was about choosing to be grateful.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Going Crazy
So I think I did a pretty good job of keeping an even keel throughout this pregnancy. As in I haven't been too hormonal and witch like. But here I am a the end feeling like a mental patient. I want to curl up in my house and stay here until I have this baby. I don't want to make anymore small talk about her or how I am feeling...I just want to meet her!!!
Just like with Afton I now worry tremendously about her health and safety in there. And even though we are only 36 weeks along I want her out, even if it means she has to stay a little longer than me. I want to see her, hold her and know that she is alive!
I'm also crazy in that everything I read about my pregnancy related health conditions makes me jumpy. My blood count is lower than it was with Afton at this time and when researching ways to maximize my absorption of iron I came upon the word "stillbirth" in reference to when your blood count is too, too low. A normal minded person would say..."well I know I am not that low" but a crazy pregnant person like me would say to themselves "I need to find a way to go into labor before I have a stillborn." Also a very small handful of babies born to moms with diabetes and gestational diabetes are born with type one, insulin dependent diabetes. I am overly paranoid that if I cheat on my diet that she is going to be one of those babies. I realize it's crazy and that those babies are born to moms that have out of control diabetes but these thoughts fill my mind at most every meal.
You see, I want my sanity back!
Every morning now, one of my first thoughts is "dang it, I'm still pregnant" My daily mission now is to overdue it physically in hopes of inducing labor at night. Nights are when my body has the most practice contractions and I really wish to go into labor one of these nights VERY SOON!
I am exhausting myself daily, but I am also trying to take naps and I am generally in bed for 12 hours each night. I am not necessarily sleeping all of those twelve hours, but resting my muscles.
I finished a Glenn Beck book last night. I was hoping I would go into labor when I finished it but no such luck. I listened to a Glenn Beck conversion story cd the night I had Afton and I was hoping there was a Glenn Beck connection between my two pregnancies? Guess not.
Just like with Afton I now worry tremendously about her health and safety in there. And even though we are only 36 weeks along I want her out, even if it means she has to stay a little longer than me. I want to see her, hold her and know that she is alive!
I'm also crazy in that everything I read about my pregnancy related health conditions makes me jumpy. My blood count is lower than it was with Afton at this time and when researching ways to maximize my absorption of iron I came upon the word "stillbirth" in reference to when your blood count is too, too low. A normal minded person would say..."well I know I am not that low" but a crazy pregnant person like me would say to themselves "I need to find a way to go into labor before I have a stillborn." Also a very small handful of babies born to moms with diabetes and gestational diabetes are born with type one, insulin dependent diabetes. I am overly paranoid that if I cheat on my diet that she is going to be one of those babies. I realize it's crazy and that those babies are born to moms that have out of control diabetes but these thoughts fill my mind at most every meal.
You see, I want my sanity back!
Every morning now, one of my first thoughts is "dang it, I'm still pregnant" My daily mission now is to overdue it physically in hopes of inducing labor at night. Nights are when my body has the most practice contractions and I really wish to go into labor one of these nights VERY SOON!
I am exhausting myself daily, but I am also trying to take naps and I am generally in bed for 12 hours each night. I am not necessarily sleeping all of those twelve hours, but resting my muscles.
I finished a Glenn Beck book last night. I was hoping I would go into labor when I finished it but no such luck. I listened to a Glenn Beck conversion story cd the night I had Afton and I was hoping there was a Glenn Beck connection between my two pregnancies? Guess not.
The Highest Honor
"It is truly an honor to bring life into this world. No man will ever have the experience that I have had as a mother. There is no way to describe the feeling of life moving inside you.
I know and feel very deeply about not wanting to have a second child until Afton is two and a half. I want her to be more independent, potty trained, avidly talking, hobbies, friends, social engagements(daddy and me soccer) I want her to have all of the attention and to be mommy's side kick/one and only for a while. I love our bond and the time we get to spend together one-on-one. I want her to be able to nurse as long as she wants. With Mark in law school I spend more time alone with Afton than other moms, and if another child came along I would have a much greater burden because I would still be without a partner much of the time.
With all this being said I still think about getting pregnant and having another child EVERY DAY. First thought is always I want another one and the next thought and the next thought start coming and then I remind myself that I am far from ready and I always think about what is in Afton's best interest.
If I know that I need to hold off, then why does the thought come to mind every day?
Every time I find out another person is pregnant I imediately become jealous. Which is hysterical if you think about it because I could not wait to get Afton out! "
So I was going through my blog "drafts" and found this gem from Ocober 2010. Yup, these thoughts crossed my mind just weeks before we started trying. I feel really differently now that I am pregnant and I see Afton's maturity and readiness to be a big sister. When I first found out I was pregnant with Pearl I was so nervous about Afton not getting enough attention and Afton mistreating the baby when I was out of he room but for the most part I think that Afton is very ready to be a big sister.
I stress most now about Mark not being around and missing magical moments between the girls and Pearl's first everything. I also majorly stress about being a mommy and daddy to the girls all day and all night in Mark's physical and emotional absence. I hope that as my job responsibilities increase that I have the strength to make the harder choice in asking for help or packing girls up and going somewhere as opposed to taking it out on them with yelling and spanking (as was done to me) or putting them in front of the tube.
I know and feel very deeply about not wanting to have a second child until Afton is two and a half. I want her to be more independent, potty trained, avidly talking, hobbies, friends, social engagements(daddy and me soccer) I want her to have all of the attention and to be mommy's side kick/one and only for a while. I love our bond and the time we get to spend together one-on-one. I want her to be able to nurse as long as she wants. With Mark in law school I spend more time alone with Afton than other moms, and if another child came along I would have a much greater burden because I would still be without a partner much of the time.
With all this being said I still think about getting pregnant and having another child EVERY DAY. First thought is always I want another one and the next thought and the next thought start coming and then I remind myself that I am far from ready and I always think about what is in Afton's best interest.
If I know that I need to hold off, then why does the thought come to mind every day?
Every time I find out another person is pregnant I imediately become jealous. Which is hysterical if you think about it because I could not wait to get Afton out! "
So I was going through my blog "drafts" and found this gem from Ocober 2010. Yup, these thoughts crossed my mind just weeks before we started trying. I feel really differently now that I am pregnant and I see Afton's maturity and readiness to be a big sister. When I first found out I was pregnant with Pearl I was so nervous about Afton not getting enough attention and Afton mistreating the baby when I was out of he room but for the most part I think that Afton is very ready to be a big sister.
I stress most now about Mark not being around and missing magical moments between the girls and Pearl's first everything. I also majorly stress about being a mommy and daddy to the girls all day and all night in Mark's physical and emotional absence. I hope that as my job responsibilities increase that I have the strength to make the harder choice in asking for help or packing girls up and going somewhere as opposed to taking it out on them with yelling and spanking (as was done to me) or putting them in front of the tube.
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