The Highest Honor

"It is truly an honor to bring life into this world. No man will ever have the experience that I have had as a mother. There is no way to describe the feeling of life moving inside you.

I know and feel very deeply about not wanting to have a second child until Afton is two and a half. I want her to be more independent, potty trained, avidly talking, hobbies, friends, social engagements(daddy and me soccer) I want her to have all of the attention and to be mommy's side kick/one and only for a while. I love our bond and the time we get to spend together one-on-one. I want her to be able to nurse as long as she wants. With Mark in law school I spend more time alone with Afton than other moms, and if another child came along I would have a much greater burden because I would still be without a partner much of the time.

With all this being said I still think about getting pregnant and having another child EVERY DAY. First thought is always I want another one and the next thought and the next thought start coming and then I remind myself that I am far from ready and I always think about what is in Afton's best interest.

If I know that I need to hold off, then why does the thought come to mind every day?

Every time I find out another person is pregnant I imediately become jealous. Which is hysterical if you think about it because I could not wait to get Afton out! "

So I was going through my blog "drafts" and found this gem from Ocober 2010. Yup, these thoughts crossed my mind just weeks before we started trying. I feel really differently now that I am pregnant and I see Afton's maturity and readiness to be a big sister. When I first found out I was pregnant with Pearl I was so nervous about Afton not getting enough attention and Afton mistreating the baby when I was out of he room but for the most part I think that Afton is very ready to be a big sister.

I stress most now about Mark not being around and missing magical moments between the girls and Pearl's first everything. I also majorly stress about being a mommy and daddy to the girls all day and all night in Mark's physical and emotional absence. I hope that as my job responsibilities increase that I have the strength to make the harder choice in asking for help or packing girls up and going somewhere as opposed to taking it out on them with yelling and spanking (as was done to me) or putting them in front of the tube.