"Have your babies now"

Sometimes we know that there are questions that we are better off not knowing the answers to; but we ask them anyways right?

Well today I went in for my annual gynecological visit and took it as an opportunity to chat with my doctor about my health as it relates to making babies. In high school I had a tight group of girl friends and we spent so much time together that our periods were all in sync, with the exception of me. My three closest girl friends were every 28 days like clock work but I was every 35 days. This was a big deal at the time and we always joked that I was pregnant by immaculate conception. Well fast forwarding now to ages 20-22 I was averaging a period every 43 or so days. Now if you know anything about conception you know that in a 28 day cycle you are generally most fertile around day 14, half way through your cycle. Having a period every 40+ days means that my window for conceiving a babe was way off.

I still believe that Afton is heaven sent for many reasons. But yesterday I was reminded that very early into my pregnancy I had infertility testing; obviously before we knew I was pregnant. I was reminded yesterday by my 2009 calendar that during infertility testing they did a follow up trans vaginal ultrasound (ultrasound from the inside) to check the status of my ovarian cysts, at this time I was pregnant. How did they not catch that?????? It was a mere two to three weeks later that I had an external ultrasound that showed a baby sizing 8 weeks with 2 arms and 2 legs and a heartbeat. I guess there are just some things I will never understand!

Well Anyways while I was pregnant with Afton my doctor warned me on several occasions about being careful after Afton's birth. She lectured me on how she has had patients start trying to conceive again earlier than they wanted a child because they thought it would take just as long to conceive the second time around. She told me that these patients were amazed to find that they were able to conceive right away. On another occasion she told me that I shouldn't have any trouble conceiving within two years. That having a baby should reset my system for two years time, and my cycles should become more regular.
Well Dr. S you were wrong...my periods are now 53-58 days apart. I am still broken! And I am not conceiving a baby easily this time around. Regarding the length of my periods I have long theorized that I am heading toward menopause (menses pause). Just like a woman heading towards/in menopause I am having a period less and less frequently. I brought this up with my doctor and she confirmed what I have long feared. In an attempt to be gentle and not freak me out she whispered "Have your babies now." I thought having my theory solidified would comfort me and put me at ease, kind of like having a diagnosis for what ails you. But it has done quite the opposite, I feel more pressure upon myself to get pregnant again before it is too late. (tick tock, tick tock).

For the past 6 months I have pretty quietly trudged through the swamp that is trying to conceive. Each month I get my hopes up and climb the hill, and each time I get a period I topple down the hill hitting my head, scrapping my legs, bruising my body. Each time there is a little piece of hope that I cling to...statistically I chances of conceiving go up every month, and in March I ovulated twice. In the entire eight months of trying for Afton I never tested positive for ovulation. I don't like holding it all in, I know that holding everything inside builds and causes more harm. I want to tell more people (like family), but then I feel that there will be more people watching my stomach for growth. I know that there are blogs and discussion boards for these types of things but I purposely avoiding them as I did that last time around with Afton and as a jealous person I did not feel well when others that I was in touch found success and I did not. Yes I was happy for them, but miserably jealous.

I had been looking forward to today's doctor's appointment for the opportunity to talk to my doctor. But I am feeling much worse instead of better. Prior to the appointment I was hoping deep down that she would offer more clomid but when she did I turned it down. I am half kicking myself for it now and half just really confused about what the right decision is. Yes, clomid could improve our chances of conceiving but with is my body may become dependent on it and need it to conceive in the future, it has the potential to cause more ovarian cysts to develop,as the medicine causes my body to release oodles of eggs. It has the potential to cause my current or future ovarian cysts to rupture, and rupturing could cause me to lose an ovary and/or fallopian tube, we would have a 10% chance of twins. And the longer you are on it the greater the side effects get. I think my biggest fear is wondering if it is the right decision? Is it part of Heavenly Father's plan? I talked to my husband about taking fertility drugs briefly today and he said that if I am not meant to get pregnant than I will not, despite medical intervention's efforts. The number and size of neonatal intensive care units are rising all over the globe and it is because people that did not used to be able to have children are now thanks to fertility drugs and fertility procedures. There is a reason that these individuals were unable to have children. I can't help but think I am one of those people that is in denial and am ignoring the signs. I kind of feel that taking fertility drugs would be ignoring the signs. If I am supposed to/meant to get pregnant than I will! I blame myself for Afton's extended hospitalization and while sitting in the NICU I told myself that if I send another baby to the NICU that's it, the signs could not be any clearer, the writing is on the wall!

I know I need to pray on it..